Jen

Lets recap over the past few days:

I've been living at Adam's for the past two weeks, and its been awesome. Every night we get to watch cartoons, eat popsicles, and smoke cigarettes. IT IS AWESOME. I really super duper love him, and his amazing ability to cook (and make love to my vagina.)

Waitressing seems like its not giving me a decent cash flow, but really I'm getting anywhere between 30-80 dollas a night for four nights a week. 

At Cullen Becker's birthday party, I blacked out. Ever since I was 15, I have not been so drunk that the night disappears. I miss the gatherings at lidia's and thomas' house. 

I want a car with onstar. And I really hate it when Dan's friends piss on the toilet seat.

I've been reading a lot of articles on love lately. More in my private LJ.

Tonight is some kind of party at Adam's, I'm just waiting on tiffany to get out of the shower. How much tah-tah must a tah-tah-ed lady show? I'm not used to having boobs.

Town and Country is a pretty cool place to work, even when I get shitty tips.

By the end of next year, I think I'll have a new car. Like, new new.

But tonight, I will drink. I will make love to my favorite person in the world. I will smile and think of how awesome life is in the crest of a fiery orgasm.

I had quite possibly the worst dream I've ever had today. I woke up crying, thinking I had lost everything good in my life. It took me like five minutes and a talk to my grandma to realize Adam still loves me, my friends are still here, and that I'm not in danger from some unknown political group. WHY am I having so many nightmares....

I'm working tomorrow until 3pm. Tiffany, we are doing something. Understand bitch? call my house phone, 9834211.

I need:
yoga classes
my lover
a phone
annnnd a haircut

Today I've felt not very like myself. I've been far too bitchy over not so bitchy things, or have felt that way at least. I don't know whether I should study my mom's behavior so I don't do it or avoid her all together. For that, anyone.

I've been happy today though, very happy. I saw lidia, and she did disturbing things to my butt. I got to swim with my love and wake up beside him. I found new love of my old love of music. Creativity has attacked me today and I think I will start writing in my diary again... of ideas, activities, meditations, personal philosophy, and general reflection.

I think I like almost being drowned.

I will never be like my mother. NEVER.

Thanks to her, and the OBVIOUS fact I'm 18 ("AND should be living on my own just as she did making straight A's and working full time") I have:

no health insurance
no dental/vision insurance
no car insurance
and generally no help at all but stress and bitching. 

WHY can't I have a good mom? That tells me she loves me and bakes me cookies and helps me out financially and fixes me lasagna like she promised 4 years ago? 

So now I have a:

sprained ankle
no drugs except what my friends gave me for pity
a general disappointment in my mom
and no phone.
maybe no job because I can't walk and can't go to the doctor for a note

But I guess I could be a dead beaver. 

I think I have the best boyfriend in the world. He carried me back to the car from hebron, bought me chicken, and let me whine about my ankle while kissing me.

I feel isolated. Please, people call me and keep me sane. 336-983-4211 if the cell doesn't work. I wish I was in Boone. I'm going this weekend, hopefully.

I had the best weekend with Adam, his mom took us out to a play and out to eat a bunch, which was super cool of her. Westside Story made me cry. Adam's dad talked with me about germany and school; I like his dad a lot too. 

Staying at my grandma's is hell. Its not king which drives me crazy, its home. I have no tv, no cable for tv, no internet, my phone doesn't get service there, and she won't let me talk to Adam on the house phone. THEN she wakes me up at 8am today when I couldn't sleep until 5am (Its highly addictive to sleep beside a boy constantly,) to yell at me that I was lazy and try to make me get up so she could fix a pan of sausage. I don't like pork. I like sleep, my boyfriend, and my friends, which I have none of there. Even in the dorm I had Sarah, Jen, and Cheryll to drink and smoke cigarettes with... to talk of boys, classes, and family. I miss my comrades, I may invade lidia's room and make her cuddle me. 

Town and Country, what a trip. Old crazy people and annoying, but I was trained by a 38 year old woman who talked of Tool, ICP, and NIN all night and the shows she's going to. ^_^. Hahahahaaaa a 16 year old redneck asked me on a date. I'll be working 5 days a week, 4:15-9:30. Come see me, leave me tips, and give me hugs.

It seems like Tuesday already. I need some new books.

IM DONE...

more later.

5 more hours, school for me will be over. 

18 more hours, my lover will be back in my bed, naked and watching cartoons with me. 

24 hours and this will no longer be my bed. 

36 hours and I'll be back in king to set up my new-old home for the next year. Will I go insane? 

39 hours should put me back in lover's bed, naked watching cartoons. 

less than one week until they start me at my job. 

less than a month until I make flight reservations. 

less than two months until I help lover move out.


And I'll look back and deem it all gone. done with. 

And I should be studying but I'm still sleepy. 

3 hours til my exam. 

I have a job at Town and Country now :)

I have many great allies in this world, and they make me happy. Last night was amazing, the bottle of cheap champagne and other liquids I drank made me rowdy. I told people I hated them, that I loved them, Chad and I became communists, I taught the people dirty german phrases, I yelled... a lot from what chad said (sorry siner :/.) I decided there are a lot of cool people I hang out with, a few shitty ones, and a few inbetweens. I lost my pants to find a stephanie and cara, I made a gypsy wipe my ass, and I rode jeff and reuben around when my feet wouldnt work. I smell horrible, but am happier than I've been lately. The only thing that could have made it better would have been if Adam had made it down. Oh well, I get to see  him tonight and suck on his every finger and toe. MMMMMmmmmm surprises. For him and I.

I smoked a whole pack of Marlboro Smooths and Stan shared his new camels, so I sound like a true DOCTOR GIRLFRIEND now. Success. This is going to make for such hot sex.

Lay off the Nietzsche, they said. 

I got into another wreck, but it wasn't my fault. ^_^ My back feels shitty, but I am not at fault! For once in my accident time line, I am not at fault. 

HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY (again) SINER! 

People I enjoyed most:

SINER
Reuben
Dale
Chad
Lidia
Cara
Stephanie
Diane
Brittany
STAN
Annie
Ashleigh
Tasha
Jeff

While I've been more motivated at my grandma's (10 journal entries for english last night) I've decided staying there is bad. Bad, bad, bad. 

I'm certain its haunted, and couldn't sleep at all last night. This may sound silly or trivial, but I've always been a little creeped out by that house and the deaths in my very dysfunctional family. Last night I was lonely and sad. The only noise I heard was my grandma yelling at her ancient poodle because he pissed all over the floor, then I think she actually wanted me to get it up. I've said it once, I'll say it again. My name is Jennifer Alisse Jones, and I DONT clean dog piss. This is going to be a problem, I think she wants me to be her slave. 

Brendon, of all people, is getting on to me about life. Ok, daddy, thanks for the advice, no I don't need you to come to America. Please, God don't come to America. Stay in Australia with your girlfriend and be happy. No one can unfuck me but me.

If my mother calls me and tells me I'm "just like..." any more of the drug addicts, alcoholics, or partiers in my family because I've overdrawn twice this year from my account I will find a way to get a gun and shoot something, if its just my foot. I told her about an internship available in Orlando for international business majors after she told me not to think about Virginia until I was offered a job and she laughed in my face. "SURE, big huge internship with disney. Its called wearing a mickey mouse head, dumbshit." 

The smart thing to do: Go to Europe alone, run away alone, live in the german forests, mate with a wolf. 

And no where respectable seems to want to hire me. I'll probably wind up cleaning dog piss in a hotel or an old lady's house.

Has my luck ran out? What happened to me getting job offers? Goddamnit I AM PRETTY and smart and talented. I can type! I ran tests on machines that cost more than my grandma's house. I used to make $200 a night for bringing people alcohol. 

AND I bet he won't even bother. Head is starting to vs. heart, but heart has the passion and pride compared to china backing its reserves.  Its a civil war in the midst of one battle of Jennifer vs. society. Added to that is the chaos of (-(time^3(which the worth increases or decreases depending on point in actual time))- finical responsibility- experience- other priorities) / (homelife stress school stress mom  feeling like my success I've experienced and promised future success isn't enough) is < irrational young love support  feeling like no one can understand the joy I feel, most of the time. Is the loneliness I feel justified? Is this just simply a misdiagnosis of my other life problems? Yes, but while there is nothing wrong with my relationship, young love as it seems, is the most unhealthy and unproductive (unless your goal is reproduction) activity that a young woman can get tied up in.

 What a blessing, what a curse.

For once in a long time I wish I couldn't feel anything for right now. 
For anyone or anything.

I'm unclean, a libertine
And every time you vent your spleen[or other organs],
I seem to lose the power of speech,
Your slipping slowly from my reach.
You grow me like an evergreen,
You never see the lonely me at all

Take the plan, spin it sideways.
Without you, I'm nothing at all.

And the character slowly overtakes the actor. Draging them down, down, down.

I'm off to king. I'll have no internet, so please someone call me to hang out. I'm going to michael's party for an hour or so!!!! 

I overdrew my account. 

I still hate walmart. 

My godfather sent word that either adam's mom pays for both air fairs or tough titty. He doesn't want adam coming if she wont. :-<. 
Cheap ass millionare. 

I hate parking services. 

But xanax, I've found, makes life seem much faster and less painful. I've been in comas off and on all week, I cannnnnnnnot sleep at night without the lover.

I don't want to remember much of this year. 

Adam Holloway: "YOOOO BAAAAABY!"
Me: "OMFG ADAM please send me my she wants revenge shirt I left at your house (in ohio.) I'll PAY YOU!!!"
Him (infront of a crowd of people): "Oh sugar don't worry about it, you gave me a great time enough times that I should be paying YOU! haha!" 
I'm so glad that no one around knows me. I'll miss that punk. 

I still want to go to the poon palace.

Five more days. I'm coming to king today to drop a load of my stuff. 

So I'm on the tow list, UNCC? Because I had a wreck and couldn't get the time to transfer the info on my parking pass to my new car? KISS MY ASS. I was going to pay. Now, however, I've let my mother loose on you. Prepare to suffer the wrath of one of the biggest bitches on the planet as well as a joint lawsuit. Prepare for the three-headed hound of HELL. My mom can't do many things well, but she can sue the hell out of anyone I dislike. 

I don't remember yesterday. 

I wrote my uncle telling him I'm not going to europe because I'm poor. I hope he gives me spending money, I don't want to mooch off of adam. I don't mooch. Off anyone. 

FUCK
FUCK
FUCK

I'm taking a nap first.

6 more days, 

My shorts are all too big and my underwear has disappeared. I seriously only have 3 good pairs of panties left. What. the. fuck.

I hate walmart, and everyone who works there. Especially you, fat ghettoass bitch, who was rude, inconsiderate, and ugly. AND you "PACO" the annoying mexican mechanic who wouldnt stop hitting on me. 

I've been reading nietzsche lately, I feel better but I think its making me hate everyone a little bit. Especially ignorant minority members. Whatever happened to being nice and having respect for people because they had respect for you and vice versa? I'm not racist, god knows how many races are in my bloodline. YOU ignorant motherfucker, blaring your shitty rap music about "gettin money" in your POS cadillac thats bright orange with purple interior who chooses to disrespect me when I am nothing but respectful of your stupid choices and disgusting lifestyle based on partying and looking better than the next ignorant prick.... you sir are an embarrassment to not only your race but to society as a whole.  

Apparently morals don't exist in the subculture of charlotte. 

I am so drained. I can't sleep at night, I can't get warm. I miss my kisses. 

My room is filthy. My arm hurts so badly, I had the preventative HPV shot today (which is 250 dolla) and cant move my arm. I listened to my grandfather fuss at me for 30 minutes, and then my mom, and then my granny. She was supportive, but started preaching about God being there for me and how I'm going to get lung cancer. 

I need a nap. And a hug. 

FUCK CHARLOTTE.

I just want to sleep.

Is there any wonder why I love him?
Who knew I'd fall for dan's older brother. ha. 

Seriously, he's more awesome than any of you know. 

GOD DAMNIT.

( >:< )

This made me giggle. Do I really want a child?

PSSSHT.

Mine will be so much prettier.

UNCC makes me want to kill myself. 

I've skipped all my classes this week to be with my boyfriend. 

My GPA will be like a 0.3.

DIEDIEDIE

one more week, until I have to hear my family tell me how much I suck at life instead of the college. I want to hide in the closet with my head under a blanket and make it ALL go away. 

I wish I didn't have to have a degree. 

I wish I was better at being in college. 

I feel so goddamn stupid. I just wasted 7,000 dollars this semester. I hate my life.

Today I picked up my last check from picassos and it was one of the saddest things I've ever done. I walked in and almost started crying when I saw the couch I used to wait on, the stand-up bar, the tea urns I cleaned so many times, the micros I touched, the kitchen I scrubbed, and Tray. 

Here's to you, punk-ass. 

I light this cigarette for all the memories. For Tray, Caroline, Natasha, Alberto/the cooks, for everyone who called me knee. For game days, for all the arrested development marathons between work with tray, for running around uptown drunk as shit after work, for the hazing I caught and all the grenadine he tricked me into drinking. For MY LIFE I made there. 

I've made a new life. Its not as glamorous nor as exciting, but its a good life.

Here's to you.

 

 

I have found the most awesome apartment ever. Now if only I can convince him to move there.... ^_^



AND adam's buying me this:

Society and even most of my friends disappoint me. I think my expectations are too high. I feel like I'm losing the people I thought I was the closest to and being screwed in the face by those I blindly trusted. Only about 2 of the people who read this would give their lives for me and vise versa.... and the new friends seem to have actually been the best to me lately. People seem to show the best of character in the time of need.

I knew a loooooot of shit in german today, and the ladies let me off of community service today instead of tomorrow. 

No one seems to give that big of a shit about current issues. Maybe I'm overreacting. 
Maybe they're right and its a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" issue. KISSMYBLACKASS. I hope you get molested. ALL of you except those doing something.

Dear RDH: I hate you. I just threw up, twice. And as Cherryl and I decided yesterday, the food kinda sucks when you must use the bathroom within five minutes of consumption and you can't tell the pee from the poo. 

22 more days.